In a new regular feature, Alex Phelps reports on the movies adored by millions of insomniacs, junkies and geeks the world over. These are the films that fans rave about but critics deride; the cult heroes way down the bottom of IMDB; the low-budget creations of unschooled directors with big dreams. So without further ado, welcome to “Trashterpieces”.
Out there you can find a whole array of classic and memorable films such as Citizen Kane, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Vertigo and what not. These kinds of films can be called true masterpieces that have shaped and impacted the industry in enormous ways.
However, there are some films out there that will never receive critical acclaim or prestige, yet they are beloved, and in their own way they end up being some of the best entertainment cinema can offer you. These films are ‘trashterpieces’ and in this review I will look at my absolute favourite, Commando, starring the boss himself Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The premise is as simple as simple can be (one expects this when Arnie is involved). Arnie is a retired member of a crack commando team that is being killed off one by one. Along the way his daughter is kidnapped and he goes to rescue her from the bad guys with as many guns as his biceps can carry.
But moving on from that unimportant thing we call plot, let’s get onto what makes this movie so good: Arnie himself. He’s the high king of crap, the master of puns and the emperor of the action genre. He beats people up but has a heart of gold, he’s a terrible actor but we just love to see more and more of him. He practically pioneered the concept of a trashterpiece, making some of the most beloved and terrible films that are still enjoyed today. Commando is the very epitome of that kind of whimsical and wonderful shod that Arnie churns out film after film.
Commando has pretty much every action cliché in the book. You have explosions, bad guys in suits, a mansion to shoot up, kidnapped children, one-liners – the list is endless. It’s just so over the top that it almost seems to be making fun of itself; it knows that in this world you never have to reload a gun and you most definitely don’t need to aim one either. This self-satire is what makes it so enjoyable; I mean, the opening scene is Arnold is carrying a frigging tree. He has it just slung over one shoulder casually as if it were a trip to Sainsbury’s.
The supporting cast are great; Alyssa Milano plays his daughter who is suitably feisty yet overly cute (in one scene her
and Arnie feed a deer like a twisted version of Bambi). The villains are so incredibly over the top, especially the main bad guy Bennett. He screams every sentence and wears what appears to be chain mail; either way he is just plain awkward, and yet so hilariously exaggerated that you can’t wait to see him in the same room as Arnie.
This movie is also famous for producing some of Arnold’s most memorable quotes. My favourite has to be “Remember when I said I’d kill you last…I lied”. He then proceeds to drop the bad guy off a cliff. There are just tons of one liners that barrage you throughout the film, and all of them are equally cheap and hilarious.
Commando is just so perfectly awful. It gets the balance right between action and silliness. In one scene Arnie just stands in the middle of an open field with a machine gun taking down faceless soldiers one by one. I think I counted 74 deaths in about five minutes. It’s so stupid, but that is the heart of its charm. So grab your useless striped camouflage and your coconut oil and take a look at what is probably the quintessential Arnold film! Bring guns.
exeposedev 