It’s a-me Mario!
That line, I’ve always hated that line. Ever since the suits first approached me back in ’81. “We want to use your likeness for our game” they said, “you’ll be a hero” they said.
They were right, all of it was right, within a few years I went from being an unemployed slob to an icon of the video game generation.
But the suits, they don’t tell you what the fame will mean. As soon as the money started rolling in so did the corporate policies. All of a sudden I had to start dressing a certain way, acting a certain way. I even had to grow a moustache.
Before I knew what was happening I had become a short Italian super-plumber, I’m from Stoke for Christ’s sake.
From there it didn’t let up, they had me appear time and time again, a new game practically every year. There were the console launch titles, and the party game titles, and the fighting titles and the sport titles…my face was on everything.
I tried getting out, really I did. I even managed to get so drunk during one production that they had to change Mario’s Mansion to Luigi’s Mansion halfway through. I thought that’d be it, but it turns out focus groups preferred the colour red to green…so I was roped back in.
That’s when the drugs started.
In the industry, mushrooms were practically given out. They had some that made you feel bigger, some that gave you that 1-up high…and some that made everyone look like little people with mushroom heads and silly little mushroom faces.
I was pulled over for trying to blue shell a police car and arrested for possession.
Still they wouldn’t let me go. I was cleaned up and remarketed as the ‘new’ Mario to get rid of my tarnished image. They’re still working on the spin, apparently I’m ‘HD’ now too.
Maybe this is a cry for help, or maybe I just thought you ought to know.
It’s a-me Mario
Jon Jones, Games Editor
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