Life-coach to the stars, Alex Phelps, presents his top eight tips to avoid awards awkwardness. With the Oscars on Sunday and awards season winding down, we feel that it’s our duty to learn from the mistakes of the rich and famous. So Hollywood inhabitants pay attention and have these ready for next year’s festivities…
1. Thank the right amount of people
It is a bit of an obvious one but so many winners feel the need to thank everyone, from their Nan to their dog groomer’s sister-in-law. Obviously it is important to thank people and give credit to those who helped but at the same time films take a lot of people to get going so I would recommend making a top five, thank them, then thank the rest. This way you avoid the terror of being played off, speaking of which…
2. Keep it short, keep it snappy and master your laugh
The last thing you will want to do is have the dreaded Halle Berry play off music. The best speeches by far are the quick two minute wonders that fit in a thanks, a “what an honour” and just general self-achievement. Winners beware when trying to be edgy, it can be charming but often will just ensure the noses of the ceremony turn up in synchronisation. Make sure you have an appropriate laugh lest you end like this: Natalie Portman’s Laugh!
3. Don’t wear sunglasses
This is an important one. If you wear sunglasses you will clash with Jack Nicholson and this will upset him. He is pretty much the only human being who is capable of pulling them off, so why even bother? Just suit up and bask in how cool he is and know you will never be him.
4. Don’t ask Quentin Tarantino about violence in cinema
Best thing to do in this situation is just accept that he likes gore and he does it very well. He will easily best you with years of debating the issue behind him. You would simply incur a verbal onslaught and quite potentially actual slaughter. Also I am just thankful he gave us all Christoph Waltz. So thanks QT, keep on killing!
5. Don’t question why Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t nominated
Bah, no matter how many letters, emails and carrier pigeons you send, the Oscar committee will not give the man the credit he deserves. Sure you can give it to Daniel Day-Lewis but he is not the father of modern puns. My advice is just accept the fact it is not happening, and that Arnie is just too radical for recognition. I swear it is like as if they have never even seen Commando!
6. Don’t wind up Seth MacFarlane
In short, if in the coming weeks before the ceremony you have an altercation with the host, Seth MacFarlane, you are undoubtedly done. The man makes a living ripping on celebrities and if you wind him up the entire ceremony will be devoted to tearing you a new one. Best thing to do is send him a few flowers and sit next to Mel Gibson in the hope that he bears the brunt of the jokes.
7. Don’t get in between Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro
I have a theory that if Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro look each other in the eyes anything in-between melts at the concentrated beam of awesomeness that spreads between their two gazes. There is also the problem of deciding which one you would like to suck up to the most. Decisions, decisions.
8. Do not challenge Russell Crowe to a fight
The man was Gladiator for crying out loud!!! Russell is often known for his love of pugilism and now he has the added power of song on his side. The result will only end badly for you as you collapse under a flurry of fists and a barrage of baritones. If you don’t believe me allow South Park to explain…
Alex Phelps, Online Games Editor
exeposedev 