In 2012 the Literary Review revealed the winners of their Bad Sex Awards. A collection of erotic writings so laughable that they deserved wide-spread recognition for their… services. With Valentines Day on the horizon, Georgina Holland questions their findings and asks what could be sexier than a “perfunctory use of redundant passages”? What indeed…
At the end of last year, the Literary Review published a crass compendium of the worst sex scenes written in 2012. Maybe even ever. What follows was a collection of awkward, fumbling descriptions of fornication. But I find myself wondering whether the writers at the Literary Review may be somewhat confused – surely these quixotic pronouncements of passion are what every girl (and boy) would love to hear?
The aim of the Bad Sex Awards was simply to expose the “crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description”. Quite an undertaking during the year that the 50 Shades of Grey series titillated a generation of 30 and 40-somethings to the tune of at least half a billion dollars*. In turn, E L James has inspired an orgy of erotic writers who have pumped out thousands of romantic bonkbusters that cash in on her success. And oh, what a selection of goodies were found by our good friends at the Literary Review.
But let’s face it, these writers have a lot to live up to. In many ways James perfected the art of erotica – not an easy feat considering the subject matter that is being (ahem) handled. And it is in their descriptions of these subject southern regions that these writers really come into their own; never before have my eyes been opened to the endless sexy synonyms that can sum up the mystery of the female genitalia. One such lucky lady had her “sex” described as a “near impenetrable forest” adorned with “the most tousled, tangled pubic patch” that our willing protagonist had ever dared to forage. Praise indeed! Another seductress has her nether-regions described as her “cavewoman industriousness” and another has the “Braille of her viscera” fondled throughout. A personal highlight was when one minx seductively led her mate to her much sought-after “Elfin grot”. Blimey. But if these exotic, and somewhat bizarre, copulative comparisons leave you cold, here is something that is sure to get you hot under the collar.
What the team at the Literary Review have discovered is that there is nothing more sexy, no technique more seductive, and no trope more sumptuous than an anatomically accurate and detailed gynaecological description of the female reproductive organs. That’s right, who can resist sneaking a peak at a passage which dares to describe the “probing” of a “vaginal canal”. And if you fancy something a little bit more explicitly steamy than the image of a “brown seam” descending “from the frenum to roughly bisect the knitting scrotum” is sure to make you shudder. What the Literary Review jurors seem to have misunderstood is that there is nothing more sexy to the average reader than twilight thoughts of frenums, scrotums, and canals.
But we are simple creatures with simple tastes, and a bit of realism goes a long way. Which is why I salute the prevailing honesty and candidness of these erotic writers. We don’t want to think about southern “treasure troves”, “luxuriant mops”, and “resplendent cocks”. Oh no, give me a 
bit of basic bonking any day. Why have candlelit romance when you can read of “just a sort of rubbing and prodding each other”. A bit of prodding, that’s what we need. And when that fails, one writer dares to speak the eternal words: “‘Can we swap sides? If you lie on my left, I can use my right hand too.’ And, he thought, you can wank me too.” Who says that romance is dead? This fella is the very image of chivalry and consideration. One talented writer was even able to navigate the taboo of “severe hand cramp” due to “non-user-friendly positioning” – he says what we are all thinking!
The Bad Sex Awards board at the Literary Review have got it all wrong. These erotic extracts aren’t “crude” or “tasteless”; no, they are celebrations of the beauty and majesty of sexual acts. Can’t they see the sexy side of a bit of “prodding” and “probing”? Don’t they understand the ageless appeal of a bit of “spit and polish”? Does the thought of a woman who is “endomorphically endowed” not send their blood pressure through the roof? Well if these explicit extracts haven’t convinced you of the wealth of titillating talent that our erotic writers have to offer, then this will: a writer who is so akin to the desires of his readers that he can sum up what women want in just nine eternal words: “I spanked her bottom and cranked up the tunes”. Keep cranking writers, safe in the knowledge that we here at Exeposé Books will keep on reading.
By Georgina Holland – Exeposé Online Books Editor
Quotes taken from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/bad-sex-aawards_n_2199706.html#slide=1810517
*Figure taken from http://www.businessinsider.com/heres-the-staggering-sum-of-cash-fifty-shades-of-grey-has-grossed-since-it-first-went-on-sale-2012-8
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